highschool drama

Imagem inspiradora no WHI

 

“people are prettiest when they talk about something they really love with passion in their eyes.” k.v.h. 

*when you watch so much of one Youtube channel, you want to start out your blog post the way they start their videos* Please tell me I’m not an unhealthy troll.

I’m actually really excited to write this post because I haven’t done a #ramblingweirdness post in SUCH a long time, and I just wanted to sit down, and just talk to y’all about life, although these are the times I wish I could actually have a Youtube channel because it’d be so much easier to ramble without having to type everything because sometimes my fingers’ brains die. But seriously, I do want to start a Youtube channel, I just don’t have the time to which sucks but y’know whatever WHAT’S GOOD FRIENDS. But yeah, I just feel like my thoughts would be more fluent if I were saying them out loud, especially my weird and awko-taco humor. Or maybe I’m just doomed to a life of awko-taco-ness and that really can’t be avoided at all. What if it’s not even humor and I’m just tricking myself and I’m actually just weird and all my friends are being paid to be my friends. OH WELL. I LOVE THEM SO MUCH, I DON’T EVEN CARE IT DOESN’T MATTER IF THEY’RE BEING PAID BECAUSE I LOVE THEM SO MUCH. AGH. 

So anyways, I’m basically gonna talk to you guys about my friend drama in high-school. Well, not the drama because that would be WAY too much and WAY too irritating for me to dig back up SO WE’RE JUST NOT GONNA TALK ABOUT THAT, OKAY?? Instead, let’s talk about tacos. Because you can never (and I mean never) go wrong with tacos. And that’s the tea.

No actually, I am going to talk about my friends, but in like a really sporadic indirect way because I’m gonna talk about my Awkward Stages Throughout Highschool ™.

I graduated in June, which is kinda weird because I still feel like a fetus but whatever, and I can literally look back at those good ol’ days and either die of laughter or die from cringing so hard. Because lemme tell ya something, sweetheart: those days were rough as guac. I can just… if I think hard enough I can feel the negative vibes that surrounded my energy during that time and I’m like oof what was I thinking. How was that okay. It really wasn’t. Shoot.

So let’s start with freshman year, ninth grade, the first year of high school. Because I was an official teenage nightmare, my parents decided it was time for me to have my first human interaction outside of my biological family. Just kidding, I once interacted with a goat (who was a male *everyone gasps*), I’m not THAT sheltered. Please. My sister and I started going to a homeschool co-op nearby in hopes to find other beings our age and possibly a mate for life. (Just kidding) (I’m only saying “Just kidding” because it didn’t work and we are both particularly single) (which we are not actually upset about, I’d just like to point out that this particular co-op was especially lacking in the “mate for life” category…) (although I am sure many have met there and have actually tied the knot, which in their case, good for them, but my personal experience was a flop and I may now be destined to a life of solitude unless I find that goat again). Back to my horror story.

It was freshman year, which many people may know to be one of the hardest years of high school since you’re having to figure out the waters and meet new people and make new friends out of these new people, which is especially intimidating if you went to a co-op after living under a rock, on a lonely street, countries away from civilization, like me. SO YOU CAN IMAGINE MY APPREHENSION WHEN WE WENT TO OUR FIRST CLASS.

My sister sat in the back because obviously we’re not gonna sit near the teacher or any of the other adolescent humans in the room because that would be suicide. We stayed quiet, whispering only to each other and mostly sized the other adolescent humans up As if we were going to engage them in combat. That kind of sizing up. It wasn’t so bad, I learned which kids I wanted to avoid (which, PLOT TWIST, those same kids became my buddies later on in the year), until the moment had arrived. My first interaction with an adolescent human, and get this! It was BOY *and all the sheltered Christian girls reel*.

Yes, no really. This BOY tried to talk to us, just making a joke, tryna loosin’ himself and the air around him up (because it totally wasn’t the two awkward Asian girls beside him that were making the energy in the room really stiff and uncomfortable, no no they were very relaxed), do you know what these completely worldly-wise girls did? Do you know what I did??? I snubbed the lad. Straight up ignored whatever stupid comment he had made because WHEN YOU LIVE UNDER A ROCK, YOU’RE NOT USED TO HEARING OTHER PEOPLE TALK TO YOU AND YOU KINDA FREAK OUT ESPECIALLY IF THEY’RE OF THE OPPOSITE SEX AND YOU DON’T KNOW IF THEY’RE HITTING ON YOU OR NOT BECAUSE YOU’VE NEVER BEEN HIT ON AND YOU’VE NEVER ACTUALLY TALKED TO A BOY THAT’S NOT A BLOOD-RELATED BROTHER OR GOAT. SO. YEAH.

Looking back, I just die laughing because this guy and I are actually chill now, but back then I would look for reasons to avoid interacting with him because I thought he was constantly flirting (which he wasn’t, he was just a goof tryna make some awkward people laugh, it was fine). But that just sums up my entire social experience freshman year. Awkward and unsure and constantly blowing things up to be bigger than they really were, only to learn afterward that they weren’t that important or tragic or wonderful.

And by the end of that year, in spite of my crusty social skills, I had actually made a couple of friends (and I thought I was the coolest kid to walk the halls). I just had to taste the water, kinda get used to it, but once I was submerged, I swam like a naked frog. It was a delicious feeling, this socializing and interaction with fellow Earthens (this was also the time I discovered I was indeed an extrovert and started to resent my under-a-rock-abode).

Freshman year was fun and fresh and I liked it a lot (I just die laughing at how awkward I was around other people). I met some of my closest friends (absent a mate for life) now and overall it was just a great growing experience for me as a person. I learned a lot about myself and the world and just people in general and I will always remember those days fondly because although I was an awkward bean, we were all awkward beans and we were all learning and growing and doing dumb poo and making stupid jokes and just aghh. I had so much fun with all of those crazy kids, I really did. *cringe* Just remember: nothing matters that much in freshman year. Really. Trust me on this.

Okay, well, that’s all for today! I’ll be posting PT. 2 of my Awkward Stages Throughout Highschool ™ in the coming week. I hope y’all enjoyed reading about my weirdness. I know you’ve been there too. Don’t lie to yourself over there.

Until then, my friends, stay weird because cool kids are only cool when they call themselves that but the weird kids are weird to everyone and that makes us special. Peace out. 

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3am thoughts… pt. 3 [to banana-belle]

hello crazy. just wanted to let you in on the tea:

you are NOT broken. all these bits and pieces that you think make you ugly and unwanted are the things that make you absolutely GOLDEN and BEAUTIFUL and IRREPLACEABLE beyond comprehension. those things make you who you are, quirks and all, chaos, anxiety, all of the above. you are a mess. but you are a PERFECT mess. and you are loved by so many for so many reasons. there is no reason to not love you because everything about you is perfectly imperfect and flawed and ridiculously amazing. you are not broken, you are one hell of a masterpiece. got it, you stubborn butt?

you are a masterpiece. every crooked, introverted, odd thing about you. you are an array of poetry and wonder and strangeness that is art. don’t ever forget that.

3am thoughts … pt. 2

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change is the most essential part of growing. it hurts at first, but years later you’re gonna look back and see that everything you went through was leading up to something… you might not see it now, but have faith and power through. this is the magic of life: not knowing what’s going to happen next but still taking that leap. it takes courage and passion to live a full life. without change, you stay in the same spot, never experiencing the juice of life. don’t be lowkey. be unapologetic for loving life. go live. go grow.

3am thoughts … pt. 1

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I want to live a spontaneous and adventurous life. I want to wander without caring where I’m going, following Jesus. I want to take risks and just live.

“I am rooted but I flow.” – Virginia Woolf

I want to be fearless and have lots of stories to tell when I’m old and wrinkles. I want to meet a lot of people and feel the pain of leaving places and people that I have fallen so deeply in love with. I want to be so filled with wonder that the blue sky inspires poetry at a glance and the stars will light the words. I want to be curious and I want to taste different things. I want to walk around and just be middle. I want to laugh with people, make music with strangers, and cook food with family. All my life.

I want to have friends all around the world. I never want to stand still and watch life go by, I want to live without any shame. I want to bring others to Christ and I want to make a difference with a smile. I want Jesus to guide my steps and bring me to those who need encouragement. I want to use my hands with a mission and none at all, just moving them in rhythm to the Holy Spirit. Doing what I’m told and not caring for tomorrow.

I want to fall in love with life. I want to fall in love with so many people and place. I want to fall in love.

we need to be seeking the Lord, or all we’re going to have to fight with is a spoon.

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Lately, God has been convicting me of a lot of things. With school over, summer in full swing, and life in a tangle, this is the time of year where distractions just pile onto me and I have a really hard time figuring out how to get passed it all. I mean, I’ve set all these goals and it’s been a challenge just getting three done… life is crazy! Throw in my grandmother’s month-long visit and I and my “2018 summer bucket list” are basically screwed. But thank God for the Holy Spirit, because, well, he’s been annoying. But like, in a good way.
The Lord has been convicting me about my very unprepared position for spiritual warfare. 
 
I mean, the battle is here. Sin has been occupying this earth for a few years now (more like a few thousand), and it’s no secret that the Devil is out to eat our souls. Literally, Christians have been fighting this war since the Fall and it hasn’t lightened up since then. If anything, it’s gotten far worse. But what’s great about God is that he hasn’t left us alone to take down the bad guy using our own swords and shields; he’s given us the tools, the gadgets, the right kind of armor to be able to combat the Devil and his minions and win this fight.
We’re just too distracted with our plans for life to actually put on the armor. 
 I’m ashamed to admit that I am a lazy prayer warrior. I’m like, the laziest on the squad. I wake up in the morning, turn on my phone, immediately put music on, and literally read the “verse of the day” on the Bible app, then scroll through Pinterest for like the rest of the time I’m waiting for my sister to get out of the shower. LITERALLY. I’m not proud of that!
As a Christian, I need to be constantly hungry and thirsty for communion with my God. I need to hunger for his Word and hunger for his presence. But instead, I’m too busy looking at puppy pictures and unrealistic hair goals and memes that caption my life (while they’re very relatable, they are slowly taking over the media. Next target: the world). And I call myself a Child of God, I actually believe that that is living for God. Like, I read my Bible DUH! I’m good for the day. A little intake of His Words and I’m set for the rest of the week.
That’s like picking up a spoon and saying, “Okay, Satan, I’m ready to take you down, big guy!” 
 I am so sick and tired of this kind of walk. I’m tired of being a lazy Christian. I want to be a true warrior in the King’s army! I want to give my hands, my feet, my mouth, my heart, my soul, and my life to God and let Him carry it all through life and guide me so that all I do and say and think and feel is for His glory and the salvation of others. I want to be completely dependant on Him for all my needs, all my dreams. It’s so easy to get caught up in the world’s ideas of life and living and loving. Like, it’s all so appealing, and it’s way easier to do than to follow God’s way. I mean seriously. The self-love club sounds so amazing, especially when there’s drama with friends or family. “You need to love yourself before you can love anybody else.”
If you allow yourself to be influenced by the world… you’re gonna be influenced by the world.
Satan was an appealing angel, the most appealing angel in fact. But he knew it too and let pride get in the way, and now we’re struggling with the same sin all these years later as if we haven’t learned from past ancestors. Which is stupid when you think about it, like are we this dumb? Seriously? Uhhhh yeah, we are. That’s why we need Jesus and that’s why he gives us grace so that we can overcome the sin of pride and self-love in a world that says that self-love is the greatest love. The greatest love cannot be procured by man, no matter how hard we try or how much we give of ourselves. 
God said we need to empty ourselves of us so that He can fill us with Him, which is hard because we think we’re pretty great and we think we’re all this. Well, news flash: we’re actually are dirtbags with lipstick on. Sorry not sorry for bursting your bubble.
What I’m trying to get at is that it’s gonna take a lot more than what we think to actually live a life according to God’s will. Actually, it’s gonna cost a lot too. We think we can just get by with a little bit of Bible reading, saying grace before every meal, and posting Bible verses on social media? Well, think again wise-guy because that’s child play compared to what we need to do to face the battle before us.
 
If we are seriously pursuing a life that is lived for God and the salvation of others, we need to really examine our motives for everything we’re doing right now. Because hey, we’re humans in a worldly society, we’re gonna have a lot of garbage and baggage and distractions. We have a mission to do, so enough of this self-care/self-love dung and more seeking the Lord. We need to be light and fishers of men, but we sure as guac better be following God’s terms and his signals, or we’re leading these people down the wrong road and damning them to Hell and that’s accomplishing the complete opposite of what we’re supposed to be doing.
The Lord is always good. He will provide us with what we need to fight our demons, we just have to ask. Sometimes his answers aren’t what we want to hear, but if we are really serious about our relationship with him, then we are going to have to lay down what we are comfortable with doing and follow his lead. Because honey, once you begin a life for the Lord, things are going to get uncomfortable, so just get used to it. It’ll be a pain some days, but you know what? When God calls you his good and faithful servant, all those days will completely vanish and all you’ll know is that you followed the Lord and he is so proud of you… and can you imagine the smile on his face? Incredible.
Arm yourself with the Word of the Lord (Psalm 1:2, 1 John 2:5, ), pray without ceasing (Thessalonians 5:17, Colossians 4:2), seek the Lord in all things (1 Chronicles 16:11, Isaiah 55:6), and you will never fight a losing battle. 
“For by thee I have run through a troop: by my God have I leaped over a wall.
As for God, his way is perfect: the word of the Lord is tried: he is a buckler to all them that trust him.
For who is God, save the Lord? and who is our rock, save our God?
God is my strength and power: and he maketh my way perfect.
He maketh my feet like hinds feet: and sets me upon my high places.
He teacheth my hands to war so that a bow of steel is broken by mine arms.
Thou hast also given me a shield of thy salvation: and thy gentleness hath made me great.”
~2 Samuel 22:30-37~

an open post to all my friends who need to hear this right now

Hello there, you amazing and perfect little messed-up tragedy that is so loved whether you know it or not.

Believe it.

Know it.

Because even if you’re going through a dark or tiring time in life, even butterflies go through a time of obscurity… turns out, all the anxiety, hurt, stress that you’re feeling are just growing pains. You got this.

You aren’t alone, though you may convince yourself you are. The burden is not yours to carry alone. You will not be turned away. You are not alone. Jesus above can give you comfort through others in your life. Through us, the people that love your dorky face, you can experience His peace and assurance.

Sure, you’re messed up SO ARE WE. We are all walking crazies that don’t know what we’re doing. But that doesn’t mean that we have to walk this journey alone. There are people in our lives that are there for this very reason: to be that friend, to listen, to help you, to guide you.

You are not alone, so stop saying things like “I suck, everybody, hates me cuz I suck.” You are loved by so many. Open those tired eyes, even if the light hurts, we are surrounding you. We want to help you, we want to take away your pain.

I know you’re hurting. I know you’re wanting it to stop. Let us help you, we want to see your smiles again, we want to hear you express how passionate about music, your OTP’s, heck, even your favorite order at Chick-fil-A. We miss you, even though you don’t think you’re miss-able.

You are SO MUCH perfect you don’t even realize.

So please, coming from a loving friend, for once, stop looking and hating yourself for being you, a messed up tragedy that makes countless mistakes but will never be unworthy of love and hugs.

I love you, you crazy-awesome-as-guac human child. I wish I could take away all the pain and send you to your happiest place because we all deserve happiness.

Believe it. Know it. I love you.

 

Jazzy xoxo

*a gazillion hugs and so much love*

“green tea latte” | a short story

Relax with our quick and easy matcha latte recipe.  Ready in 5 minutes, this matcha latte is a great alternative to your morning coffee.

“green tea latte”

tbh i feel like im waiting for something that isn’t going to happen rn
“Oh for guac’s sake… so flipping pathetic,” Andi muttered to herself, deleting the message and tossing the phone into her bag. After gathering the rest of her things, she headed inside her second home, Cuppa Manna (aka the new coffee shop she’d been visiting regularly to escape her house and her questioning mother). It had become a ritual to come here, especially on Wednesday nights to distract herself from the absence of a Particular Individual, since that was the only night this Particular Individual had off from work; so instead of wallowing away at home and listening to a rambling, venting mother, Andi got into habit of escaping to the coffee shop half an hour away from her house.
However, on this particular Wednesday night, the absence of the Particular Individual was extremely potent. She cried in her car after she parked then considered texting him for the first time since the breakup. He never did give an answer as to why he’d done it or given any hints at all. One day he was giving her flowers and the next he dumped her.
Over text.
What. A. Douchebag.

Leaving a hole in Andi’s heart was never part of his plan, he’d informed her. But the hole was still there and by golly, it hurt. Even months after, she was still hungover with emotional turmoil. Which is why she still can’t send him a text. And why she still runs from her mother’s questions. Why she couldn’t get herself to move on. “You were too good for him anyway,” people say. “These things always happen for a reason… it’s just how life goes.” But the truth is that being dumped is not life, it’s just watered down death.

Walking up to the counter, she brought out her wallet and was prepared to recite her regular order (caramel latte with almond milk), when the guy behind the register exclaimed, “Oh my gosh, Andi! How have you been? I haven’t seen you in so long, wow,” followed by a stupid grin and an awkward wave. Andi just blinked. She had no idea who this person was or how he knew her. There was this silence that followed, wherein he expected a reply, but she refused to fill it. After about 12 of the most uncomfortable seconds of Andi’s entire life, this dude (Finn, according to his name tag) was clearly not going to say anything to soften his outburst, so Andi did.
“I’d like to order if that’s okay.”
“Of course!” This dude looked way too excited about taking her order. “What would you like?” His grin was still plastered to his face, clearly unperturbed by her rebuttal to his inquiries.
“Can I have a caramel latte with almond milk, please?” Finally something normal. She was getting the cash ready, but Finn didn’t respond. “Um, is there a problem?” His expression was odd, almost like the face her mom gave her, sort of disapproving.
“Actually,” he began, wiping his hands on his spotless apron. “Can I interest you in a green tea latte today? It’s a 15% off deal, only this week. And I can make it with almond milk if you’d like.”
“No, actually, I just want my caramel latte.” Her temper was rising, and she didn’t have the will to fight it. “If you can’t get it for me, I’ll wait in line ’til someone else can get my order.”
“But see, the green tea is very healthy. It’s used to detox cleanse the body of toxins, and it’s so delicious!” His fervent expression told her he was a strong believer in this drink. But she just wanted her coffee so she could proceed to enjoy her very lonely Wednesday night.
“Look, I’m not interested, okay? Please,” she added like a desperate plea, ” just get my coffee.”
Hesitantly, he typed her order into the register and instead of saying the price she knew her drink would cost, he smiled sheepishly and whispered, “This one’s on me. No charge.”
And then the weirdo winked.
Andi was so mad, she didn’t even react. But her insides were churning and she came up with a thousand different ways she’d like to hurt this guy. Instead of saying anything that would disturb the friendly vibes of the shop, she stepped away from the counter and sat down at one of the tables to await her order.
Once again, she brought out her phone and opened the message app. She sighed in annoyance with herself, but still pressed the Particular Individual’s contact, rereading their previous conversation, wherein she made a complete pathetic mess out of herself and then became a witch. All the while the Particular Individual stayed calm and collected and tried to be patient, answering her as best he could, even though everything was still a complete mess and Andi didn’t understand anything more than she did when he first told her it was over.
Dragging a hand down her face, she pulled one leg up and leaned an elbow on her knee. No matter how many times she replayed every detail of every moment of their relationship, she couldn’t find any signs any hints that he might’ve dropped that meant he was unhappy with her, them. It was all so frustrating. And mind-boggling.
Typing out the same message as before, tbh i feel like im waiting for something that isn’t going to happen rn, she left her thumb hovering over the send button and released another breath.
Inhale. Exhale. Calm down.
“Here ya go, Andi!” shouted a voice right behind her. Or maybe it just seemed like it had been shouted. Either way, she was thrust back into reality with a jerk. Stuffing the phone away, she looked up to see Finn the Incompetent holding a steaming cup.
It was a flipping green tea latte.
Inhale. Exhale. CALM DOWN, ANDI.
“Excuse me, but I didn’t order that.” Of its own accord, her voice rose in both pitch and volume. “I specifically ordered a caramel latte with almond milk. Why is that so hard?!”
He nodded. He understood. But did he? “Yes, but you must try this green tea latte, I put almond milk in this one just for you!” He was so, so stupid.
“No thank you! I don’t want that, I want my order. If you won’t get it, then I’ll ask someone else who will.” She stood up, then faced him. “Actually, Finn, I’d like to speak to your manager.” Busted.
People were looking at both of them, some whispering behind their hands and others just shooting glances but straining to catch a few words from the heated discussion between employee and customer.
“I’m sorry, but I can’t let you see him at the moment.” He had set down the green tea and was wiping his hands on his apron again.
“And why not? I have a complaint that I’d like to report immediately.”
“Well, you can wait here, if you’d like, until he comes back.” He said this hesitantly.
“And when will that be?” she demanded.
“In about,” he glanced at his watch, “eighteen hours.”
“You’ve gotta be kidding me, I just wanted a caramel latte! Ugh!”
“Because you need to try this detoxing green tea! Please, if you try it then I will get your caramel latte, no cost.” He just wanted her to try it. At least. But why? Why was that so important to him?
“No! Oh my goodness, why are you so difficult?” In a heap of exasperation and annoyance, she flopped back into her chair. She saw her phone screen flash with a new message.
It was from the Particular Individual.
wdym?
What. What. What. What. What.
She was actually going to scream.
Andi opened the message and almost dropped her phone. “Bloody elbow salad! What the flipping Buddha!” Without realizing it, her finger had pressed send on her last text, the text she didn’t actually plan on sending because that would lead to a universe of problems and stupidity she wasn’t yet ready for. But she had sent it.
Because of Finn and his stupid green tea latte.
A scream was building up in her throat and she knew she had to release it sometime. So, she threw her phone into her bag, glared at Finn one more time, then stomped out of Cuppa Manna and into her car, where she screamed bloody murder and all hellfire below.
She reread the message over and over and over and over and over and over and over.
What does he mean “what do you mean?” Bull-dung! He can’t play the ignorant doormat when he’s the World’s Biggest Douche. She couldn’t believe this was actually happening. Maybe she should just not respond, maybe even block him. Anything to make it seem like it had never happened.
Throwing her phone to the passenger seat, she covered her face with her hands. Why had she typed out that message at all? She was ready to start crying all over again when she heard a knock on her window. Looking up, and noticing the ever-spotless apron, and insufferable grin, she almost screamed again. She shook her head at Finn, her vision already blurry from unshed tears. He just gestured for her to come out. She yelled, “No!” And was about to turn on her car, when Finn showed her a cup, he said loud enough for her to hear through the window, “Caramel latte with almond milk.”
Now she was crying and laughing and groaning, sad, amused, and frustrated all at once. Stepping out of her car to retrieve her drink, Andi wiped the tears from her face and took the cup from Finn.
“So, uh, there ya go. Still on me, just so you know.” After she nodded and was about to step back in her car, he asked, “Life sucks doesn’t it?”
Sniffling and shrugging, Andi looked back at him. “More so today than in a while, yeah.” She eyed him, wondering at his purpose for asking. When he didn’t respond, she said, “Y’know it really sucks being dumped?” He nodded knowingly. “And then, months after, all I want is for him to come back and have a coffee with me, but I get greeted by some stranger who knows my name and then that person deny me my order… and then I accidentally send a message to my ex when I haven’t spoken to him since he dumped me, and he responded with the stupidest question and yeah life really does suck today. Thanks for asking.”
There was a silence that followed, that honestly wasn’t as awkward as the other awkward silence, but at least anger had blood rushing through her skull and she could focus on that instead of trying to fill the quiet.
When Finn finally spoke, his voice was gentle, his expression empathetic. “Yeah, it does. I know you’re hurting right now, but can I say something?” When Andi nodded, sort of reluctantly, he continued. “That guy doesn’t have the power to make you happy or sad, he can’t control that or your emotions. There is so much love still in your life, but it’s your choice to either choose that or to hold on to this guy who obviously doesn’t give a poop that he’s hurt you, and that’s not your fault, that’s his.” Andi furrowed her brows and looked thoughtfully at her shoes. “That guy was just a guy. They’re gonna be ruled by their emotions and their feelings because he’s just human. So you shouldn’t put so much weight into what he does or says to you because, in the end, he is just a human and if your happiness depends on his mood than your life is gonna be a huge turbulent storm. Humans aren’t steady or always reliable, no matter how much we want them to be. When you love someone, you’re saying their feelings, their lives, their hearts are more important than your own. It’s not easy, and that’s why guys and girls find it hard. We want things easy, but the fact is it’s just not.” He stopped and tried to read Andi’s expression, but she still had the same troubled expression as her gaze poured onto her shoes still.
“So… how can I be happy again?” she asked hesitantly. Finally, she looked up and met Finn’s eyes, truly asking.
“I don’t want to sound preachy, so don’t laugh at me. But happiness is found when you are at peace with yourself and with others, and you can only truly be at peace when you give your life and your heart and your needs to Jesus because he is the only one that can fill us until we don’t want for anything. He’s like the ultimate friend. Even when other people, friends, family, partners, are being jerks due to their human nature, he is the only one that will never fail us, he will always go above and beyond our expectations. So um… there’s that.” He was shifting from foot to foot.
She was nodding thoughtfully, not meeting his eyes. “Anyways,” he said sort of suddenly, “that’s just my two cents, you can just take it or leave it I guess.”
“Actually, thank you so much. For listening, and for the advice. It… it helps a lot. Really.” She attempted a wobbly smile, and the grin appeared on Finn’s face again. “That was the first time I really got to vent about things. It’s kind of been weighing on me for a while. So thanks for listening.”
“No problem. It helps to get things out, and sometimes you just need an incentive to help the process.”
“Like green tea… for cleansing.” A half laugh from Andi, but a full-on, beaming smile from Finn.
“Exactly.”
“Well, I should go, it’s getting late. Thanks again… for both ruining my night and fixing it.” Then her expression fell and she groaned. “Oh shoot… but what should I tell him?”
“Well, you can start by just being honest. Get it out, let him know your thoughts. He may be trying to understand things in his own way, but it wouldn’t hurt for him to see things from your side.”
“Can I just keep you? Like, can you just be my little pocket-sized fairy godmother?” she chuckled as she stepped into her car. “I could really use your wise input in my life. Could save me from making stupid decisions and poo.”
Shrugging it off, he just responded with, “I think you’ll find that sometimes life just drops certain fairy godmothers and fathers as they’re needed.” Then his grin, and he added, “But you know, I work here every other Wednesday night, and if you ever need to vent or you need some wise fairy godmother counseling, I’m all ears.”

“Well, seeing as I come here every Wednesday, I guess I’ll be seeing you around.”

“Maybe next time I’ll get you to try the green tea latte.” His grin was shining.

Before shutting the door, she said, “Ha. Fat chance. Till next time, my fairy godmother.”
“See ya, Andi.”
“Whoa, wait, how did you know my name? I don’t remember telling you. You mentioned knowing me… but I have no idea who you are.”
There was a twinkle in his eye when he said, “You probably don’t remember, but there was another time you needed some advice, and to be honest, I looked really different back then.” Then he was walking away.
She huffed once more, then shut the door, leaving her in the silence of her car. When she looked down, she found her caramel latte with a note on the top:
Andi,
I hope you find how much life doesn’t suck. It’s hard now, but it’s just the growing pains of change… stay strong. This Particular Individual isn’t as important as he thinks he is, but he is playing a big part in you figuring out the magic of life. Just remember, you have people (and now a fairy godmother) to talk to. Till next time,
Finn
P.S. Sorry I gave you such a hard time. I was just so excited to see you again and honestly, I was kind of nervous. But anyways, enjoy your very caramel-y almond milk latte– but I swear, I will get you to try the green tea latte eventually.
Shaking her head lightly, she found herself grinning almost as ridiculously as Finn. Then she got out her phone from her bag, opened the message again, and took a deep breath. But before writing anything, she thought of what Finn said about Jesus. She thought of that long and hard.
And in the end, and after a few tears, she let go. She let go of her pain, of her dreams, of her heart and gave them to Jesus. A burden was lifted from her shoulders, and she cried a few more tears as huge chunks of brokenness shed from her heart, filling with an indescribable peace. Not wanting to wait any longer, she took a shaky breath, no longer anxious but at rest, at last, she finally typed out a long message to the Particular Individual, hoping, praying, it would lead them both to heal whether that be found in a friendship or their separate ways.
i guess what i’m tryna say is that im sorry things ended and ive been finding myself having a hard time coming to terms with the fact that it’s over…
She cried some more, fat tears. She backspaced almost more than she typed, but in the end, she knew what she said was right. And without hesitation, she sent it. Taking a sip from her latte, she smiled to herself and drove home to her questioning mother and memories that served as a reminder that yeah, life sucks sometimes. But with the events of the evening, they also reminded her that life doesn’t stop when it sucks. It sucks, but the few things that bring people down are nothing compared to all the amazing people, places, and moments that bring us happiness in this life. There’s a God who is more reliable than any feeling, and there are friendships that he provides to make up for douchey Individuals. Oh, yeah, and there’s a whole lot of magic in life too.

Sometimes you just need a little catalyst to begin the healing process, something to detox your system from the toxins of life; sometimes you just want a caramel latte, but sometimes what you really need is a green tea latte. 

end of the tunnel

What can you do when there’s nowhere else to go but down? Do you stay there or do you leave?

Like walking down a tunnel, go deep enough and you just might find some sort of outlet. Stay in the same spot and you’ll never know where it begins and where it ends. It’s not like a crossroads, where you know there are different directions and that each has some destination. You don’t know where the tunnel will lead if it leads anywhere. You just don’t know.

All you know is that you want to keep moving, you are searching for something, even if it may not exist; you don’t know this. You want answers. But you don’t know if such questions can be answered. All you know is that there is down, and there is here, and you don’t want to stay here because here is where all the bad things that have ever happened to you occurred. All you know is that here is hell, and what if there’s a better place than hell? The only place to turn to is down. You’ve tried going up, you’ve tried staying put. But all that brought pain and bruises and you don’t want that again. 

You want a better way of life. Something that won’t make you regret every single thing you’ve ever done, something that won’t send you to bed with bloodshot eyes and hidden wounds. If there is a better place than it must be down because you’ve tried everything else. You’ve tried things that other people have never even had to think about trying. And you’ve hoped for something to change, for things to get better. But they never do, and now you want something different. 

You can’t stay put anymore. You must find the end of the tunnel, whether it be a dead end or an outlet. You have to leave, have to try, have to know.

And without thinking, you take your first step outside the fence you built. And you can breathe. And you can feel sensations you had forgotten how to feel. And you can see things in color. And you can hear things, everything sounds like music. And you can taste it… freedom… freedom from the bondage you had created by staying put. You take a downward step. 

And then you fall. 

And you grow wings. 

And then you fly. 

christians, stop whining

Huilen

Every other Tuesday, my friend has piano lessons with my older sister– which means I get to spend time with her older sister and my best friend. I only get to see her at our home-school coop (which is once a week) and when her sister has lessons, so when we do see each other… we talk. A lot. About a lot.

Today’s interesting conversation that has been on my mind and heart the whole day was about prayer. We had been discussing the Boy-Crazy-Syndrome that so many of our friends are suffering from, when I said something like, “Why let them dictate your every move when they’re just guys? As long as you have Jesus, you’ll be good!” Or something along those lines. After quickly agreeing, my friend added that a lot of the time it seems that young Christians don’t know how to talk to God, that they don’t really see Him like a friend, but like this stone cold powerful person in the sky that will hug you when you’re hurt and hit you when you’re bad and totally disappear from the universe when all is well.

That’s what happens. Instead of seeing Jesus as a Father that yearns for a relationship with us, we seem to always set Him on the shelf to get dusty until we need Him to bandage a wound or strike down our enemy. And you know what that says about our relationship with Him? It means we’re “thrown away like a branch and withers; and the branches are gathered, thrown into the fire, and burned” (John 15:6). Without God constantly in our hearts, we are kindling! WHAT?!

Imagine this. You have a friend, you love your friend. But your friend never spends time with you, never makes an effort to contact you, never does nothing. But you love him or her, and you try to shoot them a text, just to see that horrid “Read” recipients and no response bubble thingy. You reason, Maybe they’re just busy?

But then you see him or her at Chick-fi-la. With four friends. They’re all seated at one of the booths on the left, laughing, talking, and having a great time. And all you want to do is steal their waffle fries… you’re only slightly bitter on the outside, but inwardly you’re like a shriveling pancake feeling unwanted, unloved.

That’s how God feels. God sees His precious little you, His precious little me, and His precious little Johnny. But all we see are our friends (aka distractions in life [i.e. self-made idols] ) and our wicked, wicked waffle fries (aka wicked wicked waffle fries [i.e. fries, but waffle-y] ). And now He’s the shriveling pancake.

The Almighty God, Everlasting Father, the Prince of Peace– the King of Kings is a shriveling pancake… because of you and me and Johnny?

My mind just cannot. I mean… we know who God is, who Jesus is…. but do we really??? Because if we really know who God is, who He is as a person, as a sovereign Father, than why, pray tell, are we so reckless with our hearts? If we know that God is the greatest Lover of our souls, than why would we place our lives in the hands of anything else? Anything less?

Stupidity, maybe. Stupidity and a good dose of pride. Because we don’t like the idea of God being as knowing as He is, because where’s the privacy for sin in that. We don’t like the idea of God being as loving as He is, because then we feel guilty. We don’t like the idea of God being the King, because all we want is to rule our own lives and live a little. Follow our hearts, our feelings.

And perish.

Because that is the final outcome for all those who choose not Christ, but their own pursuits of happiness. Besides. They’re just finding themselves, discovering who they are, following their hearts. Fine. I get it. But I won’t be taking part in it.

A while back when I was studying different women from the Bible, I was learning about Hannah; at least once a week I find myself rereading her prayer in Samuel chapter 2:

“And Hannah prayed and said,

‘My heart exults in the Lord;
my horn is exalted in the Lord.
My mouth derides my enemies,
because I rejoice in your salvation.
There is none holy like the Lord;
for there is none besides you;
there is no rock like our God.
Talk no more so very proudly,
let no arrogance come from your mouth;
for the Lord is a God of knowledge,
and by him actions are weighed.
The bows of the mighty are broken,

The Lord kills and brings to life;

The Lord makes poor and makes rich;
he brings low and he exalts.

For the pillars of the earth are the Lord’s,
and on them he has set the world.
He will guard the feet of his faithful ones,
but the wicked shall be  cut off in darkness,
for not by might shall man prevail.'”

1 Samuel 2:1-10 

I mean… I’m left breathless after reading these verses. Absolutely dumbfounded. God is amazing. AMAZING, not a shriveled pancake! He deserves our most earnest, most fervent, humblest prayers, and if we’re giving him anything less than we’re stealing. Because all our praise is rightfully His. We were created for His glory, for Pete’s sake! What are we doing sneaking our way around the universe occasionally whispering “Jesus loves you”, but never making a real impact??? THIS IS A JOYOUS THING WORTHY OF CELEBRATION WITH OREOS AND PANDAS AND BUBBLE TEA OKAY?! Don’t be afraid to make a stand for who you are IN CHRIST.

Jesus is amazing. He’s not just some invisible power that will smash people that do bad things and heal boo-boo’s really really fast if you ask. He’s not just some nobody that can actually do cool things when you ask Him to.

No, He’s actually the God of the Universe and beyond, and that’s kinda a big deal. Oh, and He’s also the best Daddy and Bestie. There’s nothing in the world that makes Him smile more brilliantly than when you choose Him over anything else. Even for just a short, “God you’re so amazing. Imma keep you.” Because every small thanks, praise, acknowledgment counts. You don’t have to have a 10 verse prayer like Hannah.

Moral of the story?

Jesus doesn’t belong on the shelf, because He wants more than to be occasionally called when we’re in need: He wants a relationship with you and me and Johnny. And we can’t have an operating relationship if we don’t communicate. It just doesn’t work that way.

So in the end, my friend and I finished that topic in a passionate “EXACTLY!”

10 – 10 – 2018

pexels-photo-267313

Hi guys. It’s October. And this is my blog. 

Image result for YAY GIFS

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Image result for YAY GIFS

Because I’m in a mood and I feel like freaking out with someone, I dedicate this entire post to the fact that it is the 10th month of 2018 and I’m already dreading the end of this fantastic year. Seriously, twenty-bloody-eighteen has been actually so amazing, so many things to ponder and so much excitement just bubbling within. I’M ALL SAPPY AND IT’S NOT EVEN OVER. aghhhhhh

ANywAYS. I can ramble about that in another post. For today, I wanted to share with you guys a couple of the things I’ve started to incorporate into life now that it is technically fall (even though I’m legit sweating like a flipping pig as I type this because it takes so long to cool down in the south). SO WITHOUT FURTHER POINTLESS TMI… 

most important thing atm : fallish vibesy music

here we have the playlist that has been my heart, soul, body, and mind lately

(in the end, let it be known that Jazzy-Belle Grace Thorne died of music over-dose because that’s bound to happen one of these days)

second most important thing : fallish vibesy books

  1. reread “This Quiet Sky” by Joanne Bischof  (for the 3rd time)
  2. “The Hazel Wood” by Melissa Albert (tryna get those vibes, y’know?)
  3. “Legendary” by Stephanie Garber (!!!)
  4. “Save the Date” by Morgan Matson (not the right vibes, but gotta do it for Yallfest AND Morgan FLIPPING MaTsOn, any other questions?) 
  5. “Red Queen” by Victoria Aveyard (because fall and fantasy begin with the same two letters)
  6. “Grim Lovelies” by Megan Shepherd (still trying to get the vibes lololol)
  7. “The Star-Touched Queen” by Roshani Chokshi (again, for Yallfest and fall + fantasy)

Recently finished “Some Kind of Happiness” by Claire Legrand and had my guts spilled all over the floor and my soul mercilessly pulverized. Needless to say, it was a lovely Middle-Grade book that we all should invest in. It will slay your heart endlessly and infinitely. 🙂 No, but seriously, it has to do with adventure, mystery, family, friendship, and mental illness– positively beautiful, 11/10 would recommend.

third most important thing : fallish vibesy candles

 No. 1 rule with candles during the fall season: must must must be so strong it burns your nose when you take a whiff; almost unbearable but enjoyable. 

I recently went to Ross with my mother and a few of my sisters, and we were supposed to go there for specific stuff; aka NOT CANDLES. But here we are #noregerts.

last but definitely not least important thing : fallish vibesy quotes

Bring on all things cozy ❤️

Anne of Green Gables

Autumn

Download printable art, Anne of Green Gables wall art. Everyone loves October and every loves Anne. Unique gift or keep it for yourself!

what have y’all been doing this October? any fall-ish things? comment down below if it’s your favorite season!

and with that, I shall take my things and leave (for now– HA thought you could get rid of me, did you?). God bless your fall season and may you be filled with endless wonder.