I’m selling books!!

Hello beautiful people! Just wanted to let y’all know that I am selling some of my books on Poshmark and Depop, so if any of you are interested, these links will lead you to my closets on either of those sites!ūüėä

depop and poshmark

At the moment I am selling the complete series of the classic Elsie Dinsmore books by Martha Finley! Lovely vintage books. Here’s a picture:

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I’ll be adding some new books on there soon enough, let me know if any of you are interested ‚ėļÔłŹ Have a wonderful day!

random rambling weirdness: life + some pictures i took + posh closet

hey there ūüėČ

I wasn’t planning on writing this post.¬†But here I am. What a turn out.

Originally I was going to share with y’all a book review on Sea Witch (which I still plan on doing), but then I was like, well I’m uninspired to write that I GUESS I’LL JUST RAMBLE ABOUT RANDOM STUFF.

Aren’t you so excited??!

Yeah… I don’t really blame you if you decide to leave now.

But! If you decide to stay– I hope someday you’ll have higher standards for entertainment. ūüėÄ

ON WITH THE POST! 

(… in which I literally just talk about nothing and everything…)

  • I’ve recently discovered (well, not recently– I knew it existed but I never took the time to explore it until last week) Poshmark, which is an online second-hand store where you can buy and sell clothes and accessories and the like… turns out, there are also¬†books¬†on that flipping site. *squeals unattractively* I totally didn’t drop $15 for a John Green bundle,¬†pffft¬†what do you take me for? *nervous laughter*

ANYWAYS, seeing as it’s totally awesome, I decided that it’d be cool to get some dough and try to sell some stuff on there. If anybody is curious, here’s the link to my closet. ūüôā You don’t have to check it out, I won’t force you to do anything you don’t want to do, but I strongly encourage you to out of my pure unbiased opinion that I have some pretty nice shoes on there.

But that’s beside the point.

  • Another something-something that I’ve come across recently is Takis. I may be late to the game, but let me tell you: the feelings are real– our relationship is definitely not platonic.¬†
  • I have also jumped back on to VSCO, which is a photo-editing app with really cool filters and stuff. Here are a few pictures I have on there:
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i love poetry sm right now
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my friend and i took pictures of each other taking pictures of each other
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oh look another poem. classic.
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my friend got a german shepherd puppy, kida! yes, we had a puppy shower for her.
  • Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh I started an online Psychology 203 class. It’s been fantastic. *thumbs up while dying inside* It’s one of those half-semester classes, so it’s just super, super fast-paced and I’m not fantastic at memorizing things because I have an absolute goldfish brain. Needless to say– pray for me, please!
  • OH! I almost forgot about this one.¬†I finally got my driver’s license.¬†Yes, I’m old. Indeed, I am in college. So… why am I just now getting my license, you ask? Well, let me explain.¬†I have no idea.¬†It just kinda eluded me for the longest time. I was working, didn’t have time to practice. I stopped working, everyone who could have gone practicing with me legally gets super busy, didn’t have time to practice. Finally found time to practice, my driving instructor forgot she’s teaching me right before my last lesson, so there was like a gap of a few weeks where I wasn’t taking lessons or practicing (well, hardly). BUT THEN. IT HAPPENED. My instructor finally scheduled our last lesson, and¬†on that same day¬†she gave me the test.

Let me explain the situation.¬†I had no idea she was testing me when she was.¬†For some reason, I just thought that the headteacher of the driving school could give the test (that’s what all my friends said, but apparently they were wrong; unreliable sources *shakes head*), but that wasn’t the case and so AFTER that fact the entire test was over, my instructor was just like, “You did it girl!!” and I was just like, “… sayyy what?” Then she told me she just gave the test and I literally wilted. Like my entire body became jelly and I melted right there in the driver’s seat.

Part of me was thankful she didn’t tell me. Part of me felt fiercely betrayed.

But yeah, there’s my driver’s test story. First time I drove alone was to church and my dad made me follow right behind them (even bothered to slow down a little bit when I got stuck at a stoplight *eye-roll* lol). It was super exciting though, I don’t think I stopped grinning the entire ride (unless it was to cringe at my own singing, which I could freely do as loudly as I wanted ehem).

  • Also, here’s one of my recent Spotify playlists. ¬†(does anyone know how to embed the playlists on a post?)
  • Unfortunately with school and everything going on in my life and all the tragedies that occur daily, I haven’t had much time to read lately¬†*cries for 10+ hours*. I mean, I was reading so much just a few weeks ago– I’ve kinda had a stinky book slump since last year, but then just, like, last month I was nonstop and I felt invincible and I was falling in love and feeling all the feels… and then school started and ended my life. Yes, it’s devastating. I have no idea how I cope either. So that’s why I, oddly, do not have a book section in this random rambling post. *sigh* Sooooomedayyyyy soooomewhereee weeeee’ll fiiind a neeew waaay of liivingggg. Idek if that’s how the song goes lol.

But yEAH!

Umm, kinda sorta sums up some of the stuff going on in my life as of now. Not really the most “summer vibes-y aesthetic” thing you’ll see online, but I mean, I’ve never had that kind of summer. Oh well, I can be sad or love the life that I have (which is wayyy cooler, don’t you think?). Anywhoosies.¬†Tell me about what’s going on in your life this summer! It’s a fantastic time to be alive and I want to hear your thoughts on anything and everything. Thanks for reading! x)

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stop waiting, just do it already.

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If life were just about sitting around, hoping things would happen, it’d suck. It’d suck real bad. Because life doesn’s stop. It never stops. And it’s not living if all we do is wait to be spoon fed this magical elusive mystery that we yearn for so much but can never achieve; this beautiful and unreachable “Life” that we have created in our minds, hoping that one day, surely any day now, perhaps today is that day, it will finally fall in our laps and we can rest now because the wait is over and we have what we wanted, what we’ve been¬†needing¬†for who knows how long.

Life. 

What a mystical word. Four letters, yet so much meaning. We want so much of it and yet we are so afraid to grasp it fully, scared we’ll be swallowed whole and lose sight of reality. That’s a scary thing, to fall and not know if there will be a net to catch you. So you hang on to the rail, you’re left looking down into the pit, wanting so much to jump and to¬†know¬†but so terrified that the only thing you will find once you let go is emptiness and loneliness and the great big universe of¬†disappointment.¬†

Disappointment in what exactly is left to one’s imagination, one’s own personal context. One can be disappointed in one’s self, or in one’s surroundings. Or both. Disappointment happens when we have expectations and those expectations aren’t met. You think the book’s going to be AMAZING and then you read it and it’s trash and so you feel disappointed; you were let down and now you have a hard time trusting any books by that author.

So it’s safer to just hold on and look down and wonder. You wonder about what exactly is down there, who’s down there, what it feels like, will it be scary or exciting or both? You wonder all these things, as your hands grip tighter and tighter because now you have all these expectations and now it’s just too hard to let go and then find yourself feeling empty.

You can’t live that way forever.

If you did, you might never be able to feel the magic of raindrops on your skin as you shamelessly twirl beneath a storm. You might never be able to taste the sweet pastries from that bakery you always drive by but never allow yourself the indulgence of peaking inside of. You might never know the wonder of falling in love with someone’s laugh, or someone’s soul. You might miss out on some great movie next to a stranger that just might become one of your best friends. You might miss out on a lot of things.

See here’s the thing. Life isn’t about holding on to the rail and always merely watching from behind the scenes, only allowing yourself a glimpse of what could be.

You do realize free will is a thing right? You can drive down the road to that bloody bakery and eat all the brownies that your heart desires (might not be too great for the figure, but hey? what’s a couple of pounds when those brownies can bring you happiness for eternity), read all the cringey books you want to just for the laugh, meet up with that one friend that you’ve missed so deeply but you haven’t talked to them in so long you’re afraid it’s going to be awkward.

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THAT is what life is about.

Taking those steps to do things you have been too fearful to do. Tackle those giants, take control, and let Life just do its thing. God will surprise you in so many ways. Just let go. Breathe in. Breathe out. Take that jump. You’ve got this.¬†

the fact of life

aesthetic, flowers, grunge, hipster, indie, love, sad

People are dumb.

That’s just the fact of life. They make mistakes and they do things wrong and they hurt others without trying to and they say the wrong things and they leave when they’re supposed to stay and they act stupid and that’s just the fact of life.¬†People are just not it sometimes.

But that doesn’t mean we should love them any less. That doesn’t mean we have the right to feel angry or hold grudges or sulk or walk away self-righteous and haughty. That doesn’t mean they don’t like us anymore or that they’re purposefully trying to do things wrong or that we are not good enough for them.

People change. And that makes them dumb. Because, hey, we’re still here like, watching them become something different. It’s¬†frustrating.¬†I mean, who gave them license to change? We had a friendship and then something happened and now they’re becoming someone I don’t even know anymore? Rude.

Friends that you’ve known for years are the best. And worst. Because most of the time, as y’all grow up together, you see that person go through phases and it’s just cool going through all of these things together. But what happens when they go through something and you don’t, so they go through a new phase¬†without you?¬†That feeling… sucks. After all that time, after all those years, and yet this person has the audacity to do this thing, leaving you in the dust.

And you think you know a person.

Honestly, there is such a bitter taste knowing that they’re changing and you’re not. That they’re growing in a way that you just won’t be able to relate to. They’re going in a direction that doesn’t exactly include you, and you can try to force your way in but we all know the pain of being spat right out. There’s just no room for your left in their life.

So you get mad. And frustrated. That person is YOUR person. Your friendship has lasted FOREVER. Doesn’t matter what else they’re going through, you are consumed with trying to get your friend back and put your relationship back to the point before they went through their “thing” that brought them to where they currently are.

And you get madder because it’s just not working.

They have changed and they don’t want to hear what you have to say. They’ve moved on and you’re still trying to hold on to the past and¬†they just don’t care.¬†

People are so, so dumb.

This is when you have to come into the light.

This is life.

Life can suck, but in the end, you really just have to live it instead of fight it. 

Friendship is funny in that, you can love a person so much and have so many memories with them… and yet, it can just as quietly as it snuck in, creep away, and you don’t realize it until it’s already too far gone. It’s one of those things that you really can’t control. You can try to do everything you can to try to keep it alive and running, and it will still come to what it will come to. There is no changing what is meant to be.¬†

And that’s okay. You need to let it go.

Friends are not prisoners that you keep captive forever and ever, amen. Friends are gifts. You will have friends in your life that you needed or that needed you, and when that need is met that’s that.

There is no such thing as a perfect person (besides Jesus). We are all constantly and continually growing and changing and THAT’S GOOD. But it hurts. And it hurts when others grow and leave. But you can’t stop someone else’s growth because you’re holding on to a friendship that blossomed and wilted. We as people can get so caught up in the temporary that we start holding on to things, which then stunts our own growth.

We need to learn to accept what happens and chose to grow alongside the different paths that we are all on. We are never going to be on the same road as other people because we are all unique that way. Our lives and destinies vary and that’s beauty and art and wonder.

We have to learn to be happy and thankful for that art.

Or else, we’re just watering bitterness in our souls and what beauty is in that? None. So cherish your friendships, present, and past, but don’t tarnish them by keeping them in a vice-like grip; learn to love and let go. And watch how you all will grow. May not be in the same direction, but it’s not them, it’s not you… it’s just the fact of life.

When poor kids are richer than the rich.

IMG_6858.jpgI recently went on a trip to a children’s home in South East Asia and let me tell you… I have never been so awake in Christ. I’ve never felt so blessed and yet so thirsty. Every morning, waking up and being surrounded by their smiling faces, all I could think was,¬†I want this childish faith.¬†

I’ve grown up in a Christian home. I’ve been going to church my entire life. And yet, these kids who live in a predominately Buddhist country, are so filled with a hunger to learn about Christ and to learn how to be more like Him. I mean. I’ve never been so ashamed or challenged in my life. In the States, I’m surrounded by Christian friends and we all talk the talk on occasion. But these kids are serious. And that makes me want to be that serious about my faith. I would fall asleep praying, crying out to the Lord, and just asking him to make my heart new and so full of love solely for Him. All I wanted was to be so filled with His love that that was the only thing people would see when they looked or interacted with me.

Because I saw it in those kid’s faces. I saw the hunger and the joy and the hope in their eyes and in their smiles. I mean they made me want to dance, laugh, cry, and sing all at once. But especially, they made me want to praise and worship the King of Kings, who sits on His throne smiles down on us.

Let me tell you a thing.

Those kids might have nothing to the world, but in God’s eyes, they have everything they need. Sure, their only pair of sandals are broken, and all their clothes are two sizes too small and they have multiple health issues because of lack of medical attention. But even still, they sing day and night, of God’s glory and His love. Their smiles are so bright, I know God is reflecting his joy in their faces. He loves those kids. I love those kids.

It’s funny when poor kids become the envy of a gal that’s grown up with the comforts and security of a home and food and a family and a future.

It’s funny when poor kids are richer than the rich.

I’m very confused about the future.

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For none of us live to himself, and no man dies to himself. For whether we live, we live unto the Lord; and whether we die, we die unto the Lord: whether we live therefore, or die, we are the Lord’s.

Romans 14:7-8

I’ve always liked to think that I had my life planned out. A bullet point list, priorities in order, and goals lined up to be executed. And dreams. Too numerous to count. Oh, I was going to do all those things and more, I was sure. My 16-year-old self would laugh at self-doubt and loudly proclaim, “Ha! As if you can stop me!” and then proceed to trample all over those pessimistic thoughts until they either passed away or scurried back to whatever dark hole they came from.

Two years later, those same thoughts haunt me. Those same “what if’s” and “when’s” and “how’s.” The very same words that once inspired a spirit of confidence now fill me with anxiety and stress and migraines.

It’s annoying thinking of the future because¬†I just don’t know.¬†I don’t know exactly what I want to do, how I’m going to do anything, where I’m going, why I’m doing any of what I do, and¬†I just don’t know quite what I’m doing.¬†And honestly, it’s quite frankly very frightening.

There are so many voices I’m hearing, so many opinions. All marvelous input, I might add, BUT… there are so many. Too many some days. And it’s all so confusing. Sometimes I just want to scream because I’m so tired already and I haven’t even done anything yet. There will be days that I will be so filled with sorrow about nothing and everything. I mean, I’m feeling all the pressure and I’m hearing all these voices. It’s so easy to get overwhelmed, and I get scared. And sad. So I leave the noise and escape to write in my journal in the privacy of my room. Sometimes I cry. Other times I just turn on some emo music and just settle in with all my turbulent anxiety-infested thoughts.

But no matter what I do, I always come to a moment. It’s a quiet little moment, almost as if everything else in the world stills and I can just feel His presence. And when everything else is muted, He speaks. And He gives me calm. He’s shaking his head at me, smiling, saying, “My daughter, why are you worrying so much? Don’t you know I hold your future in my hands, don’t you know I’m here to walk with you the entire way? You, my child, are precious to me and I will never leave you in need. I will give you all you ask for and more, you just need to come to me.” And he takes my hand.

And then I have no other choice but to cry. Because God is so amazing. Because He is so, so good and so sweet, and so righteous and just and glorious. Because he loves me. And sometimes we all just need to be reminded of this. Especially when life gets to be so overwhelming and tiresome. We need to be reminded that even though we don’t know what to do next, He is always right there to guide us. When we have no idea where to go from here, God is just one quiet prayer away.

Even youthes shall faint and be weary, and young men shall fall exhausted; but they who wait for the LORD shall renew their strength, they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not grow weary; they shall walk and not faint.

Isaiah 40:30-31

It’s crazy to think, but oh so lovely. He fills me with peace when the rest of the world around me bombards me with chaos. And when confusion clouds my vision he doesn’t leave me blind and alone, but he tells me where to step.

Do I now have all the answers? Shoot, not even close. But I got God and he’s basically the answer to life so… Stress be gone, I got Jesus on my side.

Many are the plans in a person’s heart, but it is the Lord’s purpose that prevails.

Proverbs 19:21

highschool drama

Imagem inspiradora no WHI

“people are prettiest when they talk about something they really love with passion in their eyes.”¬†k.v.h.¬†

*when you watch so much of one Youtube channel, you want to start out your blog post the way they start their videos* Please tell me I’m not an unhealthy troll.

I’m actually really excited to write this post because I haven’t done a #ramblingweirdness post in SUCH a long time, and I just wanted to sit down, and just talk to y’all¬†about life, although these are the times I wish I could actually have a Youtube channel because it’d be so much easier to ramble without having to type everything because sometimes my fingers’ brains die. But seriously, I do want to start a Youtube channel, I just don’t have the time to which sucks but y’know¬†whatever WHAT’S GOOD FRIENDS. But yeah, I just feel like my thoughts would be more fluent if I were saying them out loud, especially my weird and awko-taco humor. Or maybe I’m just doomed to a life of awko-taco-ness and that really can’t be avoided at all. What if it’s not even humor¬†and I’m just tricking myself and I’m actually just weird and all my friends are being paid to be my friends.¬†OH WELL. I LOVE THEM SO MUCH, I DON’T EVEN CARE IT DOESN’T MATTER IF THEY’RE BEING PAID BECAUSE I LOVE THEM SO MUCH. AGH.¬†

So anyways, I’m basically gonna talk to you guys about my friend drama in high-school. Well, not the drama because that would be WAY too much and WAY too irritating for me to dig back up SO WE’RE JUST NOT GONNA TALK ABOUT THAT, OKAY?? Instead, let’s talk about tacos. Because you can never (and I mean¬†never) go wrong with tacos. And that’s the tea.

No actually, I am going to talk about my friends, but in like a really sporadic indirect way because I’m gonna talk about my Awkward Stages Throughout Highschool ‚ĄĘ.

I graduated in June, which is kinda weird because I still feel like a fetus but whatever, and I can literally look back at those good ol’ days and either die of laughter or die from cringing so hard.¬†Because lemme tell ya something, sweetheart: those days were rough as guac.¬†I can just… if I think hard enough I can feel the negative vibes that surrounded my energy during that time and I’m like¬†oof¬†what was I thinking. How was that okay. It really wasn’t. Shoot.

So let’s start with freshman year, ninth grade, the first year of high school. Because I was an official teenage nightmare, my parents decided it was time for me to have my first human interaction outside of my biological family.¬†Just kidding, I once interacted with a goat (who was a male *everyone gasps*), I’m not THAT sheltered. Please. My sister and I started going to a homeschool co-op nearby in hopes to find other beings our age and possibly a mate for life. (Just kidding) (I’m only saying “Just kidding” because it didn’t work and we are both particularly single) (which we are not actually upset about, I’d just like to point out that this particular co-op was especially lacking in the “mate for life” category…) (although I am sure many have met there and have actually tied the knot, which in their case, good for them, but my personal experience was a flop and I may now be destined to a life of solitude unless I find that goat again). Back to my horror story.

It was freshman year, which many people may know to be one of the hardest years of high school since you’re having to figure out the waters and meet new people and make new friends out of these new people, which is especially intimidating if you went to a co-op after living under a rock, on a lonely street, countries away from civilization, like me. SO YOU CAN IMAGINE MY APPREHENSION WHEN WE WENT TO OUR FIRST CLASS.

My sister sat in the back because obviously we’re not gonna sit near the teacher or any of the other adolescent humans in the room because that would be suicide. We stayed quiet, whispering only to each other and mostly sized the other adolescent humans up As if we were going to engage them in combat. That kind of sizing up. It wasn’t so bad, I learned which kids I wanted to avoid (which, PLOT TWIST, those same kids became my buddies later on in the year), until¬†the moment had arrived. My first interaction with an adolescent human, and get this! It was BOY *and all the sheltered Christian girls reel*.

Yes, no really. This BOY tried to talk to us, just making a joke, tryna loosin’ himself and the air around him up (because it totally wasn’t the two awkward Asian girls beside him that were making the energy in the room really stiff and uncomfortable, no no they were very relaxed), do you know what these completely worldly-wise girls did? Do you know what I did???¬†I snubbed the lad.¬†Straight up ignored whatever stupid comment he had made because WHEN YOU LIVE UNDER A ROCK, YOU’RE NOT USED TO HEARING OTHER PEOPLE TALK TO YOU AND YOU KINDA FREAK OUT ESPECIALLY IF THEY’RE OF THE OPPOSITE SEX AND YOU DON’T KNOW IF THEY’RE HITTING ON YOU OR NOT BECAUSE YOU’VE NEVER BEEN HIT ON AND YOU’VE NEVER ACTUALLY TALKED TO A BOY THAT’S NOT A BLOOD-RELATED BROTHER OR GOAT. SO. YEAH.

Looking back, I just die laughing because this guy and I are actually chill now, but back then I would look for reasons to avoid interacting with him because I thought he was constantly flirting (which he wasn’t, he was just a goof tryna make some awkward people laugh, it was fine). But that just sums up my entire social experience freshman year. Awkward and unsure and constantly blowing things up to be bigger than they really were, only to learn afterward that they weren’t that important or tragic or wonderful.

And by the end of that year, in spite of my crusty social skills, I had actually made a couple of friends (and I thought I was the coolest kid to walk the halls). I just had to taste the water, kinda get used to it, but once I was submerged, I swam like a naked frog. It was a delicious feeling, this socializing and interaction with fellow Earthens (this was also the time I discovered I was indeed an extrovert and started to resent my under-a-rock-abode).

Freshman year was fun and fresh and I liked it a lot (I just die laughing at how awkward I was around other people). I met some of my closest friends (absent a mate for life) now and overall it was just a great growing experience for me as a person. I learned a lot about myself and the world and just people in general and I will always remember those days fondly because although I was an awkward bean, we were all awkward beans and we were all learning and growing and doing dumb poo and making stupid jokes and just aghh. I had so much fun with all of those crazy kids, I really did. *cringe* Just remember: nothing matters that much in freshman year. Really. Trust me on this.

Until next time, friends, stay weird because cool kids are only cool when they call themselves that but the weird kids are weird to everyone and that makes us special. 

3am thoughts… pt. 3 [to banana-belle]

hello crazy. just wanted to let you in on the tea:

you are NOT broken. all these bits and pieces that you think make you ugly and unwanted are the things that make you absolutely GOLDEN and BEAUTIFUL and IRREPLACEABLE beyond comprehension. those things make you who you are, quirks and all, chaos, anxiety, all of the above. you are a mess. but you are a PERFECT mess. and you are loved by so many for so many reasons. there is no reason to not love you because everything about you is perfectly imperfect and flawed and ridiculously amazing. you are not broken, you are one hell of a masterpiece. got it, you stubborn butt?

you are a masterpiece. every crooked, introverted, odd thing about you. you are an array of poetry and wonder and strangeness that is art. don’t ever forget that.

3am thoughts … pt. 2

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change is the most essential part of growing. it hurts at first, but years later you’re gonna look back and see that everything you went through was leading up to something… you might not see it now, but have faith and power through. this is the magic of life: not knowing what’s going to happen next but still taking that leap. it takes courage and passion to live a full life. without change, you stay in the same spot, never experiencing the juice of life. don’t be lowkey. be unapologetic for loving life. go live. go grow.

3am thoughts … pt. 1

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I want to live a spontaneous and adventurous life. I want to wander without caring where I’m going, following Jesus. I want to take risks and just live.

“I am rooted but I flow.” – Virginia Woolf

I want to be fearless and have lots of stories to tell when I’m old and wrinkles. I want to meet a lot of people and feel the pain of leaving places and people that I have fallen so deeply in love with. I want to be so filled with wonder that the blue sky inspires poetry at a glance and the stars will light the words. I want to be curious and I want to taste different things. I want to walk around and just be middle. I want to laugh with people, make music with strangers, and cook food with family. All my life.

I want to have friends all around the world. I never want to stand still and watch life go by, I want to live without any shame. I want to bring others to Christ and I want to make a difference with a smile. I want Jesus to guide my steps and bring me to those who need encouragement. I want to use my hands with a mission and none at all, just moving them in rhythm to the Holy Spirit. Doing what I’m told and not caring for tomorrow.

I want to fall in love with life. I want to fall in love with so many people and place. I want to fall in love.